we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
