We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
