I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
