I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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