Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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