There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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