At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
