I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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