Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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