the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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