from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
