I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
