It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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