This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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