i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
