So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
