It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
