working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
FUCK WHALES
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
