Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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