I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
