my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My vagina is officially offended.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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