my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
