I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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