she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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