In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
