Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
