ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
