Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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