We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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