he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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