Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
