i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
