apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
