so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Michael Bay diarrhea
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
