nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
