Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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