Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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