my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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