Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
