my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
