I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
