Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
