from now on my penis is your penis
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
