I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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