I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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