Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
