Dude my mom stole all your condoms
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
