Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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