Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
