Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
