ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
